As I mentioned before, my life was in shambles, my childhood
marred, my innocence was given the taste from the Tree of Knowledge. Sadly,
from what I can remember, much of it was brought about by my biological
“father” Mack. To spare the details over the course of many years of pain,
anger, sadness and confusion, I came to realize that he was manipulative and abusive liar.
Anyways, I was miserable and confused. I realized that I was fatherless. Then one day, during one of daily morning masses before school (or maybe it was during another service at the church, I can’t remember which), I remember looking up at the crucifix affixed above the altar, and FEELING these words:
“I will be your Father, and I will always be your Father. I will always look after you and love you. You will always have a Father.”
Now, I’ve always felt this to be something maybe lost in translation, but I’ve always disagreed with the lives of Saints where it is said that God merely spoke to them. It seems in my limited experience that an infinite, omniscient, and omnipresent God doesn’t merely “speak” to a person using words. In my experience, it is so much greater than that. When God speaks, He is both perfectly clear beyond all of our meager comprehension of reality and yet also ineffable. When God speaks, it is unmistakable and awe inspiring. Reading the Old Testament of the effects of the self-revelation of angels to men most accurately portrays this. It produces feelings of awe, terror, ecstasy, self-removal and yet a sense of hyper self-realization. When God speaks, every particle of your being resonates, physically and spiritually; the universe hears and trembles.
Growing up as a Christian, I’ve always felt that although miracles and revelations were amazing and yet cheap. As the Lord Jesus Christ states Himself, “Blessed are those that believe and yet have not seen.” The Christian experience is not bound up in petty shows of the supernatural or prophetic revelations (although these do have their proper place), I feel that what many in this day and age have lost focus of is that Christianity is a LIFE. It is a life not believed in, but acted upon and lived. Life itself is the revelation of God to the individual, and it is up to that individual on how they experience God through their thoughts, actions and words, to righteous freedom and joy or to painful anger and frustration.
Throughout my life, I have realized that God never once abandoned me. And not only that, He has always provided me with not just a singular father figure, but many of them. But regardless of this, I have not been spared trying and traumatic experiences after this revelation in the church. As I later came to realize, my relationship with God as Father, even though He is God, is not always easy, just as any familial fatherly relationship. This revelation, this knowledge from the Father has been and continues to be my faith, despite my desolate faith in humanity nowadays. It is this internal faith that has kept me together (at the moment, just barely, but still together) due to recent events that have shaken even my deep love and devotion to the Eastern Orthodox Church.
Anyways, I was miserable and confused. I realized that I was fatherless. Then one day, during one of daily morning masses before school (or maybe it was during another service at the church, I can’t remember which), I remember looking up at the crucifix affixed above the altar, and FEELING these words:
“I will be your Father, and I will always be your Father. I will always look after you and love you. You will always have a Father.”
Now, I’ve always felt this to be something maybe lost in translation, but I’ve always disagreed with the lives of Saints where it is said that God merely spoke to them. It seems in my limited experience that an infinite, omniscient, and omnipresent God doesn’t merely “speak” to a person using words. In my experience, it is so much greater than that. When God speaks, He is both perfectly clear beyond all of our meager comprehension of reality and yet also ineffable. When God speaks, it is unmistakable and awe inspiring. Reading the Old Testament of the effects of the self-revelation of angels to men most accurately portrays this. It produces feelings of awe, terror, ecstasy, self-removal and yet a sense of hyper self-realization. When God speaks, every particle of your being resonates, physically and spiritually; the universe hears and trembles.
Growing up as a Christian, I’ve always felt that although miracles and revelations were amazing and yet cheap. As the Lord Jesus Christ states Himself, “Blessed are those that believe and yet have not seen.” The Christian experience is not bound up in petty shows of the supernatural or prophetic revelations (although these do have their proper place), I feel that what many in this day and age have lost focus of is that Christianity is a LIFE. It is a life not believed in, but acted upon and lived. Life itself is the revelation of God to the individual, and it is up to that individual on how they experience God through their thoughts, actions and words, to righteous freedom and joy or to painful anger and frustration.
Throughout my life, I have realized that God never once abandoned me. And not only that, He has always provided me with not just a singular father figure, but many of them. But regardless of this, I have not been spared trying and traumatic experiences after this revelation in the church. As I later came to realize, my relationship with God as Father, even though He is God, is not always easy, just as any familial fatherly relationship. This revelation, this knowledge from the Father has been and continues to be my faith, despite my desolate faith in humanity nowadays. It is this internal faith that has kept me together (at the moment, just barely, but still together) due to recent events that have shaken even my deep love and devotion to the Eastern Orthodox Church.
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